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Things blamed on global warming:

  • Eskimos forced to leave their village (I hate it when my town melts)
  • Early heat wave in Vietnam (Shit. Saigon. I'm still in Saigon.)
  • Surge in fatal shark attacks
  • Snowfall in Baghdad (oh, wait, let's cover that one up)
  • Diminishing desert resources (yes, the CO2 is causing trees to bloom and ruin our deserts)
  • Global cooling (aha! it's cooling, that's PROOF it's warming!)
  • Bigger tuna fish (Starkist Corporation demands a bailout)
  • Water shortages in Las Vegas (nothing to do with those acres of water fountains)
  • Increased threat of HIV/AIDS in developing countries (it's so hot that buttfucking is the only thing people can think to do)
  • Collapse of gingerbread houses in Sweden (I'm thinking the ingredients weren't to code)
  • Insomnia of children worried about global warming (nothing to do with propaganda in school)
  • Cold wave in India (it's always coldest before it gets really hot)
  • Worse traffic in LA because immigrants moving north (is that due to global warming or Obama's invitation to make them Americans?)
  • Fashion victim: the death of the winter wardrobe (yeah, I'm frakkin wearing a bikini right now it's so warm)
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