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Xena Limericks

There once was a girl from Greece

Who lived in a time without peace

She fought on the road

But she would get old

Before they invented police!

There once was a village in Thrace

Where Xena returned in disgrace

But when Draco proved worse

For the local commerce

The whole town did an about-face!

Well one time Joxer did laugh

At Gabrielle and her staff

His grin turned to a frown

When she whipped her stick down

And broke his crossbow in half!

There once was a boy named Icus

Offered so God wouldn't strike us

But Xena found it odd

Why any loving God

Should kill before he could like us.

There once was a woman quite churlish

Whose sidekick was ever so girlish

But she'd drink so much port

That her words would distort

And she'd spin like a derving whirlish!

Xena is the leather wearer

Gabrielle's clothes a bit fairer

But after a mission

When they go trout fishin'

The girls could not be barer!

Now the nitpickers always fret

When they play hair color roulette

Old blondes never fade

They dye a new shade

Next fall Gabrielle's a brunette!

The ultimate subtext tweak

Was when Gab married that freak

If they shot two parts

With that Perd upstart

Seven days makes a hole weak!

Hopes for a good episode dim

When X or G fall for a "him"

If the gods really care

Xenastaff would not dare

Send any more dorks on a whim!

In a time of ancient gods

Two women defied the odds

But the average Joe

Who's not in the know

Just sees a couple dumb broads!

The writers are out of their wits!

Why do they keep sending us twits?

Ulysses is a flirt

Perdicus a red shirt

Joxer is the absolute pits!

When Xena gets in a fix

She blasts her way out with her kicks

Don't hang out with those chumps

If you can't take your lumps

No tricks if you can't take your licks!

When will we say Joxer delights?

When will the man impress Xenites?

He'll persuade the ladies

A cold day in Hades

On the day Xena wears pink tights!

When Xena and Gab get romantic

This pisses off the Puritanic

If a scene is skinful

It must be sinful

What they don't understand is "Satanic"

Poseidon thinks Xena is scary

Far more brazen than necessary

And as a added stab

She committed with Gab

Peccadillo indulgery!

Gab says Joxer is a rad dude

This puts Xena in a bad mood

To get out of her craw

Gabby's little faux pas

She goes fishing just a tad nude!

Gabrielle is ripe for attack

Catching arrows takes a real knack

At a chakram she froze

But don't throw tomatoes

She'll just catch them and throw them back!

Now Joxer calls it Nirvana

The way he pictures Diana

You call this loyalty?

Esteem of royalty?

With whipped cream and a banana?

Xena the warrior plays so hard

You have no chance if she marks your card

She travels through Greece

Keeping the peace

With her friendly no-holds bard

Her body could snarl traffic

But they never get real graphic

We can only complain

As we just wait in vain

For some sign Xena is Sapphic.

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