There once was a girl from Greece
Who lived in a time without peace
She fought on the road
But she would get old
Before they invented police!
There once was a village in Thrace
Where Xena returned in disgrace
But when Draco proved worse
For the local commerce
The whole town did an about-face!
Well one time Joxer did laugh
At Gabrielle and her staff
His grin turned to a frown
When she whipped her stick down
And broke his crossbow in half!
There once was a boy named Icus
Offered so God wouldn't strike us
But Xena found it odd
Why any loving God
Should kill before he could like us.
There once was a woman quite churlish
Whose sidekick was ever so girlish
But she'd drink so much port
That her words would distort
And she'd spin like a derving whirlish!
Xena is the leather wearer
Gabrielle's clothes a bit fairer
But after a mission
When they go trout fishin'
The girls could not be barer!
Now the nitpickers always fret
When they play hair color roulette
Old blondes never fade
They dye a new shade
Next fall Gabrielle's a brunette!
The ultimate subtext tweak
Was when Gab married that freak
If they shot two parts
With that Perd upstart
Seven days makes a hole weak!
Hopes for a good episode dim
When X or G fall for a "him"
If the gods really care
Xenastaff would not dare
Send any more dorks on a whim!
In a time of ancient gods
Two women defied the odds
But the average Joe
Who's not in the know
Just sees a couple dumb broads!
The writers are out of their wits!
Why do they keep sending us twits?
Ulysses is a flirt
Perdicus a red shirt
Joxer is the absolute pits!
When Xena gets in a fix
She blasts her way out with her kicks
Don't hang out with those chumps
If you can't take your lumps
No tricks if you can't take your licks!
When will we say Joxer delights?
When will the man impress Xenites?
He'll persuade the ladies
A cold day in Hades
On the day Xena wears pink tights!
When Xena and Gab get romantic
This pisses off the Puritanic
If a scene is skinful
It must be sinful
What they don't understand is "Satanic"
Poseidon thinks Xena is scary
Far more brazen than necessary
And as a added stab
She committed with Gab
Gab says Joxer is a rad dude
This puts Xena in a bad mood
To get out of her craw
Gabby's little faux pas
She goes fishing just a tad nude!
Gabrielle is ripe for attack
Catching arrows takes a real knack
At a chakram she froze
But don't throw tomatoes
She'll just catch them and throw them back!
Now Joxer calls it Nirvana
The way he pictures Diana
You call this loyalty?
Esteem of royalty?
With whipped cream and a banana?
Xena the warrior plays so hard
You have no chance if she marks your card
She travels through Greece
Keeping the peace
With her friendly no-holds bard
Her body could snarl traffic
But they never get real graphic
We can only complain
As we just wait in vain
For some sign Xena is Sapphic.