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And lo, it came to pass that Teresita grew exceedingly wroth, and called down these ten plagues upon the Patriarchy to make them sore afraid and relent on the issue of marriage equality:

The First Plague (Triple Ex-odus 7:14-24)

All of the water in Egypt - right from water already in buckets and jars, to ponds, canals, streams, even the Mississippi River - turned to menstrual blood. Then all of the fish of the river died, causing a terrible, but familiar, stench.

The Second Plague (Triple Ex-odus 8:1-15)

Women miraculously started making more money than men.

The Third Plague (Triple Ex-odus 8:16-19)

Hot flashes tormented men.

The Fourth Plague (Triple Ex-odus 8:20-32)

Vast swarms of boy bands multiplied through the land, spreading annoying, fluffy pop songs like "Quit Playing Games With My Heart" until after one week they finally went "Bye Bye Bye."

The Fifth Plague (Triple Ex-odus 9:1-7)

Men experienced lust for the livestock - horses, donkeys, camels, cattle, sheep and goats - but unwanted sexual advances toward the Amazons ceased.

The Sixth Plague (Triple Ex-odus 9:8-12)

There was no Sixth Plague (Monty Python joke).

The Seventh Plague (Triple Ex-odus 9:13-35)

Powerful water retention and bloating inficted men and male animals throughout the land.

The Eighth Plague (Triple Ex-odus 10:1-20)

Shoes appeared in such great variety and numbers that the ground was covered with them.

The Ninth Plague (Triple Ex-odus 10:21-29)

Men throughout the land experienced the awful pains of labor.

The Tenth Plague (Triple Ex-odus 11:1-10, 12:1-42)

All firstborn daughters turned into lesbians and joined the Amazons. Pharaoh let the Amazons go. The Wilderness Journey began.

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