Washington

From CleanPosts

Jump to: navigation, search

Washington, sometimes called "the other Washington" or the "good Washington" is the northwesternmost state in the contiguous United States.

It is named for its first permanent settlement, which was founded where trappers and traders used to gather every few weeks to scrub their dirty apparel.

The official language of Washington State is Chinook, widely spoken by lumberjacks, fur trappers, fishermen, and drunken grunge music fans. Typical words in Chinook include muckleshoot (which means to give the casino all your money) and skookumchuck (which means to blow salmon chunks).

Washington is divided into western and eastern halves by the rugged Cascade Mountains. People on the dry side of the mountains vote funny. You probably shouldn't call them out on this, though, because the dry side of the mountains used to be in the nuke-making business.

Cultural milestones

  • Rain.
  • Bad musical styles inspired by too much rain in the early 1990s.
  • Bad fashion influences due to the aforesaid musicians dressing for rain.
  • Starbucks coffee helps keep people warm in the rain.
  • Plutonium-based nuclear weapons will end the rain...forever.
  • Mel's Hole - a bottomless pit that brings dead pets back to life.
  • The Twilight fantasy novel series (and movies based on the novels) were set in the small town of Forks, Washington.
  • Sleepless in Seattle and Grey's Anatomy present Seattle with far less cloudy days than in reality.

Geology

The Cascade range has a row of active volcanoes, Mt. Adams, Mt. Baker, Mt. Rainier, Mt. St. Helens, and Glacier Peak. St. Helens erupted in 1980 and blew its top, clogging air filters and blotting out the sun from Seattle to Yakima and creating a thriving cottage industry of trinket sellers making tourist souveniers made of "real Mt. St. Helens ash". Any of the other volcanoes could erupt at any time. You have been warned.

Famous Washingtonesians

  • Jimi Hendrix (he went to Britain for some sun, and to get famous)
  • Kurt Cobain, who wound up emulating Mt. St. Helens.
  • Bill "Rich guy" Gates
  • Bob "get your pets spayed or neutered" Barker
  • Ted Bundy
  • Glenn Beck
  • Orson "Ender's Game" Scott Card
  • Bing "White Christmas" Crosby, who was kicked out of Gonzaga University in Spokane for drunkenly tossing furniture out of the dorm window.
  • James "Scotty" Doohan
  • Kenny G
  • Frank "Dune" Herbert
  • Gary "Far Side" Larson
  • Kenny "Footloose" Loggins
  • Eddie "Evenflow" Vedder
  • Adam "Batman" West
  • Sherman "The Lone Ranger and Tonto Fistfight in Heaven" Alexie
  • Bigfoot
  • Ramtha and his "channeler" J.Z. Knight
Personal tools